And what a crazy year it has been. It feels very strange because it feels like much longer than a year. If feels like I just turned 30 yesterday, but in fact it has been 6 months. It feels like Carter just started Kindergarten but it has been a whole year! I think about being diagnosed with cancer, the phone call, the surgery, recovery, and all the other stuff and it feels like that happened forever ago.
Whenever you hear of other people being diagnosed with cancer you always wonder what you would do if it were you and how you would handle it. I had imagined it. When I got that phone call though it was nothing like what had gone through my mind when my mom was diagnosed or others that I had heard of. Jeremy was out of town and I was home alone with the kids getting Carter ready for Mother's Day Out. Dr. Taylor called and said, "In a perfect world I would like for you to come in to talk to you but that makes it all dramatic like the movies and I don't want to make you worry more than I have to making you drive up here." Then he said that they found cancer in my biopsy. I just sat down on the living room floor while he finished talking and tried to hold back my tears. At that point he didn't know what stage or how bad and my mind was running wild. I couldn't stop thinking that my mom had just died a year before from her chemo that was treating her cancer. I kept wondering if the same would happen to me. What if I had to do chemo and I couldn't handle it like my mom? The kids were running around and I just sat there in my own world. I waited until I dropped Carter off and when I got back in the car I just laid my head down on the steering wheel and sobbed. I started thinking about all the people I would have to call and it was so overwhelming.
I never could have imagined that so much could happen in a year. I can't imagine going through this without all my wonderful friends, family , and volunteering for the American Cancer Society. Being involved with Relay For Life has had such a positive impact on this experience and I am so grateful. If someone had said two years ago that I would be doing this I wouldn't have believed it. Being chosen as a Hero of Hope has been such an honor and I will cherish these memories. I was a little anxious at first about sharing our story with so many people but it hasbeen such a good experience and everyone has been so supportive and wonderful.
I have been anticipating this day for a while. Although this is a happy day and I am celebrating my first year of survival, it is a very bittersweet day. This day a year ago I had cancer and was pregnant. This day a year later, I am cancer free and will always carry with me the thought of the wonderful little life we never got to know. So, today I will celebrate a year of survival, growth, and all of the wonderful new memories and opportunities I now have with Relay For Life. I can also celebrate all of my kiddos that help remind me why we are all fighting so hard to find a cure for cancer.
So happy cancer birthday to me, Jerm, Carter, and Margo....what a journey it has been and I love you all so much!
And happy happy birthday to my sweet baby Sam, we miss you and love you so much.
I carry your heart with me, I carry it in my heart, I am never without it. - E.E. Cummings
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